Some true words

All great things must first wear terrifying and monstrous masks in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity

Brought in by tears and valium

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual

The Power

Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don't A man steals something, he's brought in before the Emperor, he throws himself down on the ground. He begs for his life, he knows he's going to die. And the Emperor... pardons him. This worthless man, he lets him go. That is Power

Apocalypse! Now!

I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.

A revolution

A revolution isn't a gala dinner. It cannot be created like a book, a drawing or a tapestry. It cannot unfold with such elegance, tranquility and delicacy. Or such sweetness, affability. Courtesy, restraint and generosity. A revolution is an uprising, a violent act by which one class overthrows another


from Mao Tse Tung (The Little Red Book)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin... let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead,
Scribbling on the sky the message: He is Dead.
Put crepe bows 'round the necks of public doves,
Let traffic policemen wear black, cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East, my West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour out the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good

The words of another splendid bugger: W.H. Auden

الفرحه

فعلا الفرحه شئ معدي

Since I came

Since I came to this city and it is always raining and I didn't stay for a week and they found some bombs and an egyptian guy thought to be an agent to be killed and they don't know if he is killed or not or even if he is an agent or not i came here with the problems shakly keda :D bas other than that everything is fine and I'm enjoying it

Weird Life

It is really weird thing is to experience death and to be a min. maybe a sec. from death I experienced it three times in life. The weirdest is that in these three times I was with the same person. The last time was today the first two I was younger careless and have nothing to live for I was just living day by day didn't care much if I lived tomorrow or not. I just felt life isn't important and believing that I'm going to die at the end so why should I wait for it so long and the strangest thing was that I used to enjoy it enjoying the adrenaline force in the body it was much more fun than taking million times drugs. But in last time it was so different I was like I don't want to die today or even now or in this way actually I feared death it was my first time to feel so .I felt that I'm still have a lot of things to do in my life and I done none of what I want yet. I know that when death comes it comes and I have no way to escape it but what changed in me and I'm not talking about 10 years difference or something it is only 3 years in life it is nothing .I feel something changed in me I began to fear things I never feared before I began to think of not what happens today is what happens today and tomorrow is just another day that may not come I found that I think about tomorrow more than today.

It is June

I didn't relaise that it is june but today june to me means a lot it is the end of year and new year for me it is the time od going to the sea to enjoy it specialy that last year I didn't enjoy the sea the only sea I went it was the freezing sea of the northen sea in england. So i hope this year i enjoy june the rest days of it have good time in the last breezes in summer.
I'm almost finished with exams and I'm happy :D

Freedom

One of the things that makes me angry is the peoples look and attitude to me as if I'm not like them and sometimes I wanted to scream YES I HAVE A LONG HAIR AND BEARD I DIDN'T SHAVE FOR 3 MONTH AND DIDN'T HAVE A CUT FOR A YEAR SO WHAT ?!!!! IT IS ME AND I LIKE IT. I really don't know how they want to live in freedon and they don't know how to practice it they don't like what it not like them and what is not beliveing or doing what they are doing. They want to have freedom while they are not free from inside . Before asking for your freedom ask your self if you are free from inside first.
wa kefa keda b2a 7a3mel ely ana 3ayzo bardo walo 2olto magnon

I really hate it

I don't know what to say or write about I have nothing to talk about i'm depressed feels bad and not doing good because of nothing maybe i don't feel loved but i don't know what is love i don't know how to feel loved it is like talking about how drugs gives these good feeling and the great feeling getting stoned but they didn't try it .It is the same here i didn't try it i don't think i will ever try it do i need it yes i need it maybe just to stop thinking about it .
well i need to sleep good night

مخنوق جدا

مخنوء-

ليه؟-

مش عارف-

أدخول نام-

حاضر-

Eye Language

Since I'm not the worlds most physical or passionate guy as the kinks said, and not a high shoot talker I can't tell a sentence without any mistake which makes me silent most of the time. I use the eye it really sometimes work but not always but at least it works with me i can understand the person in front of me through his looks and his way he is moving his eye face and looking at thing . It is fun you have to try it you can have a lot of stories you can make up just from a look.

The Fixer philosophy

Why was the jewish people had all this haters in the old world before the world war 2 in Europe. I had this question for years in my mind. And I found simply that they were the minority and since at these times like the czarina empire or the third reich ruling time and other more were a dictatorship regims so the needed someone or something for the people to get angry and hate but not the government. So the jews are the minority that had presents in the world and have no political or economical power or real effect. That is why they were chosen to be sent to ghettos or get killed and separated from normal life. What brought this up was a movie it was made in the year 1968 called The Fixer. I had this small thought that it might be a message to the Russians and since the jews are people of stories they have always a good reason and a strong story telling everything the way they want . About the movie who finds it watch it. It is a good philosophical kind of a movie. It had this theme of what makes a hero isn't madness it is courage which i can't remember the real words in the movie but it was something like that or so

I just miss

I really have nothing to say but god damn this memory. It is my first time to hate a memory I have even if it is a bad one I never hate it. But last summer it was not just a memory it is something that is graved in my brain and heart. I miss these happy faces I see every day with this nice smile even they don't know you or ever seen you or need anything from you just a smile this is there secret of life as if they will die if they didn't smile in the faces of others. I thought it is something in the water and it was true but not the water only it was in the air in everything. The water is clean the air is fresh green scenes more than the buildings. People don't care who you are from where you are they just treat you as a human and they have to respect you even if they hate you. I miss the lunch time finding people in the market place having a bite having a quick romantic talk with a lover or a normal talk with a friend and small boys and girls sitting in a big group on the stairs smoking there first cigarette in there life and laughing and singing and having fun with there virgin minds and souls they don't know nothing that is going out of there country they don't know the meaning of hate or dictatorship or being treated brutally and don't have the normal rights of being a human. I miss the nights where i used to sit in the window listening to real silents and the low sound of the music coming from the radio smoking and having a drink watching the rain that give this weather this cold chill that was nice a summer breeze. God damn it why can't I have this life or bring this life in here

I'm Happy

It is realy nice to feel happy I have been sad for a long time I'm so happy these days things is going ok not just ok but going very well never been that well from a long time. When you feel happy you feel alive enjoying every thing like now even I'm not at home but i'm listening to BBC Radio One listening to the show I have been listening to for three month in England in the bus in Durham City Center under the green statue :D haveing lunch of a sausage roll and doughnuts and a cup of tea that tastes sucks but I enjoyed it in the moments of sunny days and mostly in the rainy ones. I feel like what Jimi Hendrix said:
Lately things just dont seem the same
Actin funny, but I dont know why
scuse me while I kiss the sky
Purple haze all around
Dont know if Im comin up or down
Am I happy or in misery?

So excuse me till I reach my own skys

What is right and wrong

One of the thing that made me think alot for along days is what is right and what is wrong. Right and wrong change by time like of something is wrong to you know after years you will find yourself doing it and becomes right. And who says this is right or wrong if a judge is the one who takes the life of a guilty person by his own hands he will rethink thousand times before judgeing on a killer by death.
to be continued la7ad ma afo2

The Reunion

The school reunion is after 3 days and it is going the other way I thought about at all I was going to there alone on a chance to meet people there but last night I found someone calling me to invite me to go with them actualy they were they last people I wondered even to see them there the people who used to give me the hard time in school I offcourse couldn't refuse this invitation I hope just that it will go well
Actualy I'm afraid from not being ok by they time of the reunion because it will be they last day of the exams and I don't sleep well I just sleep for 2 hours a day and that's it and the hallucination effects began last night and probable I won't sleep well before the party so the hallucination will continue and the most fear is that we go for a drink before the party so I will totaly mess up in the party

Conflicting Orders

I don't feel what is going on with th world or anything outside my room I'm stuck in studying and have no time to do anything but exams and studying and not sleeping I sleep or 2 hours a day and my mind giving conflicting orders like when if I want to drink i go to the bathroom to pee and I'm don't know what I say or do and i'm thinking about alot of things that needs to be written down before I forget them but sure it flies away I hope the internet gets fixed soon at home so I can just write my condflicting and contradicting thoughts when they come i hope they come back again soon

A Memory in a memory

I remember once when I was in England and slept at the house of a friend. The most thing I remember was the morning it was my first time to sleep a total night beside someone in the same bed feeling her body feeling her breathing . Back to the morning and forget about the night sitting in the bed looking through the door beside me seeing her getting out from the shower and telling me good morning I don't recall that I ever walked up in the morning and found someone to tell me good morning I just wake up and after that she asked me would I like to have breakfast ohh my god I will have a breakfast a real one I didn't thought about it ever. I always just walk up on coffee and cigarettes this is my breakfast. I even didn't answer I nodded my head that is all what I have done. I began to realize everything. I thought I was in heaven or something or all what I was living in was just a dream but I began to realize I'm not at home I'm not in my country I'm in someones bed I panicked for a moment but it was a sweet panic. I walked up went to have a shower then got down to the kitchen . It is so nice to have some help in the kitchen really special if it is a sweet help . She almost done everything we sat at her small table drinking tea and having a sandwich. I even can't remember what was it but she was a vegetarian so I was sure there is no pork in it. At the first words of the conversation did you enjoy last night I didn't answer I just nodded my head yes with a smile . She smiled back then she asked again are you happy then. It was my first words in the day yes sure I'm happy I have never been happier than today. I know and she knows that this is a practical lie we both know that it is just a degree of happiness but not the happiest moment ever. Actually I was sad I wasn't happy . I was sad because I wished that this moment was a true moment with somebody I love having breakfast together sweet morning talk just looking to each other enjoying the coffee but that person I love don't love me she finds me irritating and different and we were miles away in distance and in connection she never asked how am I doing if I'm alive or died she didn't care at all. I remember at the beginning we knew each other that she used to hate careless people and I was afraid that I may be one. At that time I didn't know if I'm a careless person or I care about people. Sometimes I don't know if I'm careless or not .Anyhow back to the scene of having the breakfast we then continued having breakfast and talking it was a Sunday morning and a sunny one so after breakfast we went for a walk in the footpath till we reached the river and kept walking till the city center and all that time we were talking. We almost talked about everything even about our families where do I live and how the difference between my life there and here. And she told me about here trips all around the world the countries she visited and her life in London and why she left there and turned to Durham as a small city. We reached the city center there was this small old fountain that doesn't work all the young people sit there and some musicians play on this area as it is the busiest area in the city we sat till lunch time. We had fish and chips it was my first time to have fish and chips I liked it so much. She told me about the vinegar secret. And it was the time to go each one have to go back to where we belong she have to return to here home and I have too. I always thought that goodbyes are easy and not a big deal . But at that time I realized it is not I remember seeing her tears in her eyes and I told her don't do it we will meet again in this life or in another so don't worry about that with a smile she smiled back we had a big hug and a goodbye kiss she left and I left. We sure never met but we talked on the phone she asked to meet again even for once before I travel but I just couldn't meet her. And it was the end of a sweet memory I hope I would see her again in one day somehow.

critical time

It is a critical time for me now i have exams in 11 days i know nothing about it so it is time to say to movies goodbye and to music see you soon body and to books I'll be back and try to concentrate on my books of auditing and managerial accounting and international economic and other stuff i don't really like but I'm stuck to it and i have no way out from it i will take these 10 days off from my normal routine life i will go stay with my friend and making this study camp i hope it will work and i hope i may do it this year

I Miss These days

Last night I was introduced to a singer called May Nasr her sweet voice and the soft guitar and her shamy accent made me remember the days in England when we used to gather at shady's apartment in Durham I meet there a real good pure people

There was always Shady and Ameen from Jordan and Galal and Ziad and Essmat from Syria and me and Ehab from Egypt and sometimes Amr also used to come and Abo Malek from Oman used to come every now and then we used to sit on the floor and drinking tea and listening to fairouz om kalthoum and others (some I don't know of) and talking a lot about everything politics music arts even egyptian football :D

I remember the day Shady had to travel to get married although I was the smallest one of them but I felt a lot of respect from them and used to listen and try to understand what ever I say ohh about this day he left we meet at his home and it was ramdan we had eftar together then we sat all together talking and I really didn't knew the meaning of you may not see a friend and a good person that you get attached to him that much and after he traveled we stopped these gatherings and we stopped talking and I stopped knowing any news from them

I wish these days return again it was the best days in trip to England they made me know about there countries things I never knew and would never knew even I studied million books about there countries.

It is something good

It is something good to know somethings that was happening from your back and know what was told on your behalf without knowing or even having a note may be that things disroied alot of things i wished it didn't go that way
well yesterday i knew alot of things that pleased me and proveing that not all the people you trust are the good people some of them are just mean and play it dirty but thanks god i knew before more things that could happen


oh SOS festivel wasn't in it's best moods I hope they try more better next time they should be improving not going down

The Truth

A lot of people mostly all of them don't think or tried to think about the truth about us as human some take it as it is just a creature created by god and all what they have to do on earth is to worship god and build earth.
But what if human isn't a human we are all not real we just live in a big simulation of computer and we are the in the future and this simulation (our world now) is just a picture of world in the past and this simulation is created by some kind of superior creature or maybe an advanced human kind more advanced than us
so in simple words we maybe just bytes and pixels and some one controlling it and playing with us
or maybe we are just humans created to eat and drink have sex and work for all these things just more advanced kind of animal just advanced just because we can communicate and talk.
just think a little about the truth of human